Humorous Ultra Running Stuff


Implantable Dermal Moisture Sensor from UltraRunnersRUS
By: Kevin Kepley, Chief Mathineer of UltraRunnerRUS

Abstract - An implantable sensor for in situ sensing of dermal moisture on a real time basis has been developed. Subcutaneous wires are run to a transcutaneous power and signal link in the gluteus maximus area. Power is sent to the implanted electronics, and the signal sensed through the same link, and transmitted to the processing electronics which are located in a backpack worn by the runner. A microwave link between the backpack and a wristwatch unit allow readout for continuous monitoring of the dermal moisture content during an ultra event. Five, 1/2 inch diameter capacitive sensors are implanted in each foot, and the readings are averaged by the Pentium (tm)) processor to provide an accurate measure of dermal moisture. This allows the runner to monitor the dermal moisture content of the feet, and, by ingesting fluids, prevent dehydration and its attendant blister problems. Sandpapering of the feet is not recommended. Location of the transcutaneous link discourages sitting down during the event.

If you find this abstract of this paper interesting, you may request a copy of the paper from the author for a nominal fee.

Dermal Moisture Sensor - Modification
By: Michael Scandrett

"Subcutaneous wires are run to a transcutaneous power and signal link in the gluteus maximus area.
Even though I believe the primary point of this contraption would be for the purposes of monitoring (i.e., electrical current flowing FROM the gluteus maximus area TO the computer), perhaps the electrical current could be reversed during late stages of an ultra to give the runner an extra "boost."

I suppose this would be in competition with the UltraProd that was being promoted earlier. However, the back pack which holds the microprocessor for the Dermal Moisture Sensor could be used to hold a really hefty battery which would pack more of a wallop than the hand-held UltraProd.

Preview of the Season's Discussion Topics by Categories
as detected by Mr. Trail Safety:

Be on the lookout for the following topics:

Well once again that's it for me! Keep those cards, letters and threads... cuz I gotta roll!!

Ultra Quote, of sorts in response to a discussion...

Alex wrote:

"I was just discussing 100 mile races with someone in my office. She said: "Nobody should ever run a race where they are lapped by the sun." I did not have a response. Any good retorts out there?

My thoughts...

New Product from UltraRunnersRUS

Well Folks, the overworked, underpaid staff of UltraRunnersRUS has done it again! We are proud to introduce the new sports drink, OxyMor. OxyMor is the first Oxymoronated sports drink. It's chock full of contradictions in terms, and other good stuff! Be the first runner on your block to try it! Buy a whole case!

Coming soon, OxyMor++. It'll have all the same good stuff OxyMor has, plus whatever else the FDA will let us put in!

Pro-Teen Supplement from UltraRunnersRUS

In yet another bumbling, pathetic attempt to garner good press and free advertising, UltraRunnersRUS (a division of Kloster-Foch industries) is proud to announce a new program called Pro-Teen Supplement. That's right boys and girls, UltraRunnersRUS, makers of EnviroLube and other fine ultra running products, will give $5 towards the entry fee in any major 100 mile event to any teenager (birth certificate required as proof of age) who can prove that they have never taken drugs, consumed alcohol, or had impure thoughts. Said Gill Bates, CEO of Kloster-Foch Industries, "It's just our way of giving something back!".